Sometimes God puts things on my heart to share with others. My purpose since the beginning has been to share our story and allow God to be visible through my life. I believe that this is something that I needed to share.
I have seen first hand how social media can make some people seem like they have the most perfect life in the world. I don’t want anyone to ever think that I am the most positive uplifting person they will ever meet. I have never been that person and in fact, shared very early on that I was the most glass half empty person you would have ever met before the accident.
I have days when the enormity of the accident and the changes our lives have taken are overwhelming. I have moments when my heart skips a beat thinking about all that Jackson has lost by becoming paralyzed. I have what ifs. What if I hadn’t wanted to surprise the boys by redecorating their room? What if P.J. and I had went to pick them up from their grandmother’s? What if she had brought them home instead of us needing to ask Alex to pick them up so that we could finish their room?
There are days when I have to-do lists for my to-do lists and I want to throw my hands up in the air and cry mercy. I am only able to work part-time now as Jackson needs to be taken to school and picked up every day. I have weeks when I feel like I might as well rent a hotel room next to Vanderbilt because I spend so much time there. My husband and I have had one date night since the accident. Yes, you read that right. We have been unable to find anyone who is willing to spend time with Jackson. In fact, I have been unable to work this week except for 4 hours as the kids are home for spring break and I have had to stay home with them.
Does it sound like I am complaining? Perhaps I am some. And that is the point. This hasn’t been an easy adjustment for any of us. No, I am not perfect. Yes, I have moments when I actually consider running away like a child mad at their mom or dad. Yes, I believe that God has a purpose and a plan for our boys. I absolutely believe that someday Jackson WILL walk again. I know with every fiber of my being that Alex is meant to share the gospel and bring others into the kingdom of God. I also know that God has used me by sharing our story to bring others into his kingdom, to encourage others and give them hope.
What I hope that I am expressing is that just because I have faith it doesn’t mean that I am also not human. We all have emotions that we have to process. We make mistakes. We are allowed moments of self-doubt. I also think us women are allowed a pity party every now and then. What really matters at the end of the day is if you allow those moments to define you.
When I become overwhelmed with grief for Jackson, God reminds me how blessed we are to have this strong boy with us. To be around Jackson is to know happiness and peace. When I think about what Alex has had to go through, He reminds me that He is making Alex strong. He is allowing Alex to walk this journey so that he will be able to share what he has overcome and give him relevance with those he will someday be able to help. And on days when I am having a pity party and I think I couldn’t get any more tired, God reminds me just how blessed I truly am. I am a work in progress. I have come so far since the accident and have learned so much, but He still has to work a little extra harder on me.
It is okay to have doubts. It is okay to have moments of frustration. News Flash: You don’t have to be perfect! Just don’t allow those moments to define your life. Use those times to seek God even more and allow Him to be the light in the darkness.
Love and blessing,