We spent the day cleaning up the yard, pulling weeds and getting ready for summer. I haven’t tended to a garden in two years. I was so busy with work that I didn’t “have” time to. The reality is I prioritized responsibility and forgot to tend to myself. I love being outdoors and do my best thinking pulling weeds and deadheading plants. I have decided this year that I have got to learn to do things for myself too, and gardening is something that soothes my soul.
I tried to convince Jackson to come outside with everyone, but the problem with that is his brothers were riding bikes, and of course he can’t do a lot of what they want to do outside. Before you scream at me for using the word can’t, the reality is there just simply are things that right now he is not able to do. He has to build strength first.
As parents we struggle with balance. We want to keep Jackson happy, and sometimes it is at his brothers expense because they are talked into doing what he wants. His brothers are awesome and tend to want to keep him happy too, but sometimes it’s difficult for them. An example, Jacob wanted to have his birthday party at the Bouncy House. Jackson would not have been able to do all of the things his brothers were doing so we chose to let Jacob have a bonfire and sleep over instead. It’s a check and balance. All parents understand this, it is just at a new level we are coming to learn.
As I was outside surveying our progress, I noticed Jackson’s tricycle behind the shed. My heart immediately stopped and I was overwhelmed with panic as I tried to remember if Jackson had learned to ride a bike without training wheels. Suddenly I realize he hadn’t. Another thing that he won’t have the chance to remember doing before the accident.
I sometimes wonder how much he will actually remember. Will he remember how it feels to run? Will he remember playing in the waves at the beach? Dragging our feet in the sand to write his name? Will he remember hiking with his brothers and walking through the creek?
My heart grows heavy with thoughts like this. I believe it is normal as a parent to learn to accept what can and can’t be. To process what he has to go through and will go through. These are thoughts that he too has and will have. Answers he will need. But as I sit and contemplate this, he comes outside with his oldest brother and starts practicing casting a fishing real. God reminded me in that moment that there are so many things he can and will do. He has a family that loves him, and brothers that will always protect him and look after him. Despite all that we perceive he has lost, he is so very blessed.
Love and blessings,
C.C.
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