Fear Equals More Fear

A news article released today by CNN shows a video of a police officer using a taser on a 17-year-old boy until he went into cardiac arrest. Have you ever watched something that makes you so mad you want to punch a hole into a wall? Yep, I was that mad. I have spent time thinking about why this video caused such a violent reaction in me. There are several….

First, this boy is white. Why does this make me mad? Because this story simply won’t get the media attention as most others do. The truth is, had this boy been black or of any other race, this story would be all over social media and crammed down our throats. That is just the simple truth.

You can argue that the boy was resisting arrest. I don’t believe that to be the only truth. He asked repeatedly why he was being arrested. No response or explanation from the officer. When is it ever okay to treat another human this way? To use a taser on them and then throw them onto a concrete sidewalk? Not a black boy. Not a white boy. A human. I believe had the officer explained to him why he was asking him to get out of the car, the outcome could have been much different. It is human nature to defend ourselves. You can argue that the boy should have just gotten out of the car, and I agree. I also believe that the media has taught our youth to fear police officers. And the more stories like this that receive media attention, the worse it will get. It is a vicious cycle.

We have created a world where people are afraid of police officers, those who are dedicated to help and serve us. Yes, I believe that some police officers are corrupt and should go to jail. Some of them have been granted power and authority they should never have had. But I also believe that those “bad apples” are the minority. There are “bad” people in every single ethnic background, gender, race, religion, etc. But not all should pay for the sins of a few.

The media will continue to highlight and focus on discrimination. People will become more and more afraid of police officers, and fear begets fear. Police officers will be in fear of getting sued or put in jail, therefore affecting their job performance. And really, can you blame them? Would you want to risk your life for the pay that they earn? Would you want to work in constant fear of being sued or spending your life in jail?

So why did this story cause such a reaction of anger in me? Simple. I have two older children, ages 21 and 18. I have talked to them many times about this very thing and how they should respond and react. I don’t care if they know their rights or what the law is, just do what the officer tells you to. Period. Do not give them the opportunity to hurt you. Because at the end of the day, knowing your rights isn’t going to keep you alive. Causing the officer to become defensive isn’t going to help your cause. Do everything right so that when it goes wrong you know you did everything in your power to prevent it.

Both of my boys are “brown”. Their ethnic background should be irrelevant, but it isn’t.  Does it cause me to fear what could happen if they were pulled over? You bet your ass it does. In every possibly way.

I remember going to a race with my oldest son and his black friend. He leans in close to me and says, “Mom, I am not sure we should stay.” He explained to me that everyone was giving us dirty looks. Of course, I was went all momma bear daring someone to say something to my son. I paid money to be there and I was not going to let people run us out. But the truth was, it was the first time that I really understood what it felt like to be discriminated against for race on that level. I cannot begin to explain to you the way it makes you feel to be looked down on by that many people at one time. My heart ached for him and his friend. I have taught my boys to always do what is right, and to never use racism as an excuse to stop from them from doing anything they want to do, but my heart grieves for them because I know they will always have to deal with discrimination.

The last accident that Alex was in, the officer didn’t even bother to ask my son if he was okay. Didn’t ask if he needed medical attention. He only showed concern and offered politeness to the woman who hit my son. Why do I think that was? Because he assumed my son was a reckless teenage hispanic boy. He judged my son solely based on his skin color, gender, and age. I still sometimes contemplate filing a report, but won’t simply because I know there would be consequences and retaliation.

Will there be true equality in our lifetime? No. In our children’s lifetime. No. While the world is up in arms about transgender bathrooms, and folks that is a story for another day, we still haven’t addressed the issues that really matter. Whichever  Presidential Nominee that is elected into the White House isn’t going to fix it. Demonstrations with violence and hate isn’t going to fix it. The only thing that can fix it is Jesus. Yet our government continues to push Christianity into the background, when it needs to be put it in the foreground.

I know this is a controversial issue, so I will ask that everyone who comments please do so with civility. I love to hear others viewpoints and believe it is the only way to truly learn and grow, but let’s keep ’em PG y’all!

My beautiful boys:

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Love and blessings,

C.C.

 

God is Good Enough 

Yesterday we were at the point of taking Jackson back to Vanderbilt. He literally could not stop coughing. I was diagnosed with a sinus infection and was afraid his had turned into one too. Seems like no biggie, but Jackson’s lungs are comprised due to his spinal cord injury. A sinus infection and congestion can quickly lead to pneumonia. 

Lately, God has reminded me of the faith I used to have. Some of you are thinking, “Used to have?” You see, I believe in laying hands on the sick. I believe in speaking in tongues. I believe in angels and demons. I believe in dancing and shouting and praising a God that has Saved me. Some call it Pentecostal. Some may even call it crazy. Somehow along the way I lost it. It’s not that I stopped believing, I just lost my fire for God. Let’s be honest, we all lose our way at different moments in our lives. Something happens and we pull back from God, even without realizing it. It can be something traumatic, like losing someone you loved. Or something simple as being busy in your day to day life. 

So last night as I was desperate for Jackson to feel better, I immediately thought, “I need to ask our friends on Facebook to pray for him.” And God said, “You do it.” But….. it takes lots of prayers! Not just my prayer. It takes an army of prayer warriors. I am a simple mom. My faith isn’t enough. “Yes, it is.” Don’t you love how we sometimes argue with God? Cause surely I am not the only one who does this, right?!? 

So I did what God told me to do, I laid my hands on him and prayed aloud for his healing. I felt God move through me. Even then I didn’t believe that Jackson would be healed. Not that I don’t believe in God, or His miraculous healing. I didn’t believe in myself. I didn’t believe that my faith was strong enough. That I was good enough for God to use. But God only needs the faith of a mustard seed. 

I’m sure you all know where this is going. Jackson WAS healed. And not later. Not the next morning. IMMEDIATELY. This baby had coughed every single minute for two days straight. He coughed the entire time I was praying for him. The minute my hands left his body, he stopped. He has not coughed a single time since. 

God had to make me see that yes, I am good enough. I am more than enough. I am His child. My faith, even when it feels small and helpless, is enough, because it isn’t me that has the power to do anything. I never did and never will. It is Him. And as long as we believe in Him, He can and will do amazing things through us. We just have to step out in faith and let Him take the lead. 

Love and blessings, 

C.C. 

Another Monkey Gone

We made it through surgery without a hitch, although this time was harder for him. Before, one moment he was watching his brother Joshua play a game on his iPad in the backseat of his brothers car, the next he was in the hospital at the mercy of doctors and parents making decisions for him. He didn’t have a choice. He didn’t have advance notice or time to be afraid.

 Every day before his surgery he would look at me once a day and simply say, “Monday.” That was his way of letting me know he was scared. Jackson is such a brave kid. I sometimes forget that he is only seven with a normal kids fears. As we arrived for pre-op his little body started to shake. His father and I both wanted to load him up in the truck and take off. But we knew we couldn’t. I was able to calm him down by crawling in the bed with him and playing games on his iPad. My philosophy has always been to keep yourself busy so that you don’t have time to dwell on the bad. So that’s what we did. 

10 minutes before surgery they brought him the “happy” medicine. He was all grins and giggles then. Not a care in the world. The hard part then started for us parents. The waiting….. When your child is in surgery, even if it is considered routine or minor, every second feels like a hundred. This surgery wasn’t considered minor. He had an incisional hernia repaired. There was danger that his bowels could be injured, and in Jacksons case, he only has half of his bowels left from the damage caused by the seatbelt during the accident. 

When the phone finally rings your heart skips several beats. Is it good news? Bad? Hurry up and answer already!! And if you’re not the one taking the call it’s pure torture. You try reading facial expressions to gauge their reaction. Listen to voice inflections. Anything to determine what the listener is hearing. Time stands still. In this case, the news was great. Jackson did well during surgery and was in recovery waking up!

The entire day I didn’t feel well but thought it was anxiety and lack of sleep. By the time his surgery was over, there was no doubt that it was more than anxiousness. I was running a fever. We discussed if I should stay or go and decided that at that point I had already exposed Jackson (remember me crawling into bed with him during pre-op). By that evening my husband was running a fever and by the next morning Jackson was too. Jacob didn’t feel well Sunday evening and had unknowingly given us all the flu. Wonderful, right????? Sometimes I wonder why things have to be so difficult for us. Surgery was enough to deal with, but now poor Jackson had to deal with having the flu on top of recovering from surgery. 

The difference between moms and dads: when moms and the kids are sick at the same time, we still take care of everything. When dads get sick, they can sleep through a nuclear war. So by the end of the week it is no surprise that everyone else is on the mend and I am still sick. That’s just the way it is for us moms. No one ever thinks to take care of us too.

This surgery was a monkey on our back. Now it is done and over with. At some point Jackson may have to have another hernia repaired but the doctor thinks it will be a long time if ever. He will also have to have spinal surgery to put more rods in his back to combat the Scoroliosis. Again, this will hopefully be after his bones have fully matured and several  years down the road. For now, Jackson can live life without having this surgery looming over him. We are thankful for that. We are looking forward to him healing and being able to swim this summer. 

Did I mention that this kid missed half the school year and still made an A and C on his report card?!? This kid rocks!!!

Love and blessings, 

C.C.