I had not seen my grandmothers tombstone since it was installed two weeks after the accident (she died a few months before). Nor had I visited my grandfather. There wasn’t time the first several months after the accident. It is also a long drive and something I was afraid to face alone, but God had placed it on my heart in the last week to finally make the time to do it. On Sunday, I knew I could no longer put it off.
I don’t find comfort in visiting gravesite’s, as some do. I remember a conversation my Nannie and I once had about visiting Drew’s gravesite after the tombstone was installed. He was my 18-year-old cousin who tragically died a few years ago in a car accident. She found comfort visiting it, I didn’t. And here I was on a beautiful Sunday afternoon, staring at hers. Faced with the reality of time from that conversation to the present and all that had happened in the last year. Forced to confront the fact that one of my worst fears had come to pass. My Nannie, who was my best friend, was really gone.
I cried for all I was worth. I cried because my heart aches from missing her. I cried for what my boys have been through. I cried for what I have been through. A huge part of me wanted to suck up the tears and run. But I knew that wasn’t why God had led me there. It was finally time to accept that she was really gone. It was time to deal with the emotions of everything my family has been through since the accident. It was finally time to grieve.
As I was leaving after visiting with my grandfather, he told me that he had prayed the previous night for God to give him a good day. I was the answer to his prayer and God’s miracle for him. You see, God knew a week ago that he would need a visit from family to remind him that he isn’t alone and loved. God knew my heart couldn’t carry the weight of hurt I had been carrying around anymore. He knew from the minute he placed it on my heart a week ago.
Sometimes God asks us to do things that we know will ultimately cause us pain. We don’t understand the reason, but He does. If God has asked you to do something, just remember that He doesn’t bring us to it to leave us there in that place of pain and hurt. He will bring you through it, to a place of healing and restoration. You can trust in Him.
Love and blessings,
C.C.
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